Valentine's Gifts That Are Saucy, Not Skanky
Let me tell you a little story. I was in my early 20s, and I thought I would experiment with rehabbing my addiction to dating bad boys. So I dated a guy who was in his late 30s — normal, with a real job, real responsibilities, and virtually zero chance that he had either a prison record or a tattoo on his penis.
It sucked.
We had no business dating, or even being friends. I cared for him, but did not like him...at all. But he clearly wanted to be in my life. Having been orphaned at an early age, I have all kinds of abandonment issues, and I wasn't about to consciously throw this nice man out of my life. So I got all passive aggressive. Hell, it wasn't even passive aggressive. I was just mean for no reason. Once I told him, right out of nowhere and with no context, that I was really bored in the relationship. This was maybe in the middle of January. He somehow got the idea that when I said "bored in the relationship," I meant "bored in the bedroom".
So Valentine's Day comes around, and we're still together. We go out to dinner and exchange gifts. I'm unwrapping mine with a high degree of anticipation (after all, for Christmas, he'd given me a $5,000 bicycle). The package feels like nothing I can figure out (or expect), and I tear off the wrapping paper. I look at the fleshy dongy shape. It's a sex toy. The color drains out of my face. I almost feel like I'm going to faint, or throw up. I look at the dude, who's clearly pleased with himself. I continue to unwrap it…it's not just any sex toy, it's the TRIPLE RIPPLE REMOTE CONTROL VIBRATING BUTT PLUG. I start to cry.
"Mortifed" does not come close to approximating the horror I felt. Maybe it was the toy itself, which looked like something from an alien horror movie. Maybe it was my dashed expectations. Perhaps it was the shock of having it thrust upon me in a Soupplantation. I wanted to die.
There are probably about a bajillion teachable moments you could pull out of this story, but the one I'm going to focus on is this: NEVER EVER GIVE YOUR VALENTINE SEX TOYS. Unless they are asked for, by name, and specifics given. But otherwise, no way.
Got it?
But if you are looking to give something sensual, a bit naughty, or something that primes the…er, pump for later that night, I've got a few suggestions.
Good food — and chocolate in particular — goes over the lips, past the gums, and straight into the erogenous zone. Do not even be thinking of those drugstore candy boxes. They're on the pricey side, but we love the chocolates at Tobi Tobin (pictured). Lots of different flavors to choose from, but my favorite is the sea salt and caramel, since it combines that intense sweet/savory combo that can literally make you drool -- in the good way! You also can't go wrong with Vosges Haut Chocolat in Beverly Hills. A visit to the lavish store, partner in tow, can help you set the stage for seduction. If you want to give a gift to stoke the imagination, and create forever memories, opt for Opaque -- a.k.a. dark dining, where you enjoy a gourmet-quality meal served to you in a pitch-black restaurant, aided only by sight-impaired waitstaff.
Scents are another sensual choice. Again, avoid the drugstore, and please cross all of those horrible celebrity fragrances off your list. Find a mature scent -- even if it isn't up his or her alley, you'll be rewarded for making a creative, thoughtful effort. Barneys New York is known for carrying new and quasi-experimental lines and scents (and they have a good return policy). But if you'd rather give your business to smaller or more local boutiques, try Scent Bar (pictured), Strange Invisible Perfumes, and even Apothia. Don't be shy, ask for help -- especially since you don't want to try every scent on and then walk out smelling like the proverbial French whorehouse.
Sexy underwear is almost a no-brainer, but some people still manage to get it wrong. Yes, there is such a thing as classy naughty undewear, and it does not come from any store that also stocks Penis Pasta. There are dozens of stores you could visit, but I whole-heartedly endorse the following two stores, based on courteous staff and a seemingly genuine commitment to making sure the customer leaves happy: Agent Provocateur (pictured, obvs.) and Trashy Lingerie. In terms of the asthetic, they're pretty much at the opposite ends of the spectrum, but both stores have amazing, personal service from staff who are friendly and not overly pushy.
