A Tale of Two Cleanses

Every January, I embark on a ritualistic cleanse. And this year, it couldn't roll around soon enough. A few weeks ago, I realized I had to wear a bikini in Mexico in seven short days. And I had just eaten a handful of Snickers "Minis" for breakfast.

But what cleanse to try? The popular Master Cleanse turned me into a zombie, and my boss sternly instructed me to, “never do that again.” Apparently, a strict lemon, cayenne pepper and maple syrup diet does not support robust work productivity.

And there was the CLEAN Program by Dr. Alejandro Junger, made popular by GOOP goddess Gwyneth Paltrow. But flashbacks of my kitchen as an organic, dairy free, no nightshade vegetable war zone cautioned my decision. Also a scary memory of my roommate lifting a dirty pot in the sink and asking, “Jeez, ya think Ms. Paltrow has some help preparing all this stuff?”

“Ya THINK?!” I psycho snapped at her.

I decided maintain some sanity this time around by not spending hours in the kitchen every night and morning. I also do not have a sacred 21-day block available on my calendar. With limited time, energy and resources, I decided to try one of L.A.'s trendy new juice cleanses, the Red Carpet Cleanse, pioneered by culinary artiste September Crawford.

This is how it works: Six juices are conveniently labeled with numerical stickers for dummies. Every day begins with a (1) Ginger Brew made with structured water, lemon, ginger, stevia and sea salt to kick-start your metabolism. Many cleanses suggest drinking lemon water first thing in the morning, but the extra ginger, salt and stevia add a yummy dimension that kept me interested in the full 16 ounces.

For breakfast around 10 a.m., you move onto the (2) Ace of Blades detoxifier, concocted of cucumber, celery, kale, lemon and apple. I actually like the taste of celery, so I quite enjoyed this green super drink. But if you're not into any of the ingredients used in any of the juices (i.e. cinnamon), the Red Carpet Cleanse team can tailor drinks to any taste bud.

For lunch, you indulge in the (3) Rawkstar Smoothie, a thick mix of raw almond milk, kale, mango, cinnamon, sea salt and stevia. I am an almond milk superfan, and this smoothie won over my ice-cream-loving palate.

But my favorite treat of the day came in the afternoon, when I would pretend to be drinking a Bloody Mary. Actually, I was indulging in the ruby red (4) Some Tang mixture featuring carrot, lemon, apple and ginger. The strong taste somehow satisfied my salt cravings.

After another dose of the (5) Ace of Blades cocktail (read above) in the afternoon, the day ends with a taste of Mexico (how apropos considering my upcoming fiesta plans), the (6) Liquid Churro created with structured water, cashew milk, coco oil, cinnamon, maca and sea salt is a delicious dessert for the end of the day.

And what do you know? After five days I lost six pounds. I felt tight and toned around my mid-section. Even my face and neck looked thinner. Best of all, I never felt a plunge in energy; only a slight tinge of chewing anxiety on day two.

Unfortunately, I was unable to maintain my newfound good eating habits (as well as figure) since I indulged in chips, salsa, cerveza and margaritas at my dear friend’s Mexican wedding. Thus, I shall call upon the Red Carpet Cleanse magicians soon again to help me safely and conveniently jump back onto the healthy and hot bandwagon.

But a quick warning to those considering any cleanse: You will obsess about your cleanse. Be aware of this for the sake of your friends, family and co-workers. You will endure a lot of time alone because, let’s be honest, it is hard to be social when you cannot drink alcohol or eat out at restaurants. Take advantage of this time by yourself and document your cleanse in a journal. To support any cleanse, aim to sweat everyday. Practice yoga and meditate. Get a massage to help skin and circulation. Invest in a tongue scrapper because the tongue becomes coated in white (gross) while toxins are leaving the body. Some should consider booking a colonic (gross again, sorry).

The Red Carpet Cleanse starts at $90/day for the juice cleanse. Three- to five-day juice cleanses are recommended for results. The company also sells a 5-day raw food cleanse which features a tortilla wrap and pesto pasta on the menu for $750. (consider recent retail cost of show-stopping new dress to be worn at upcoming special occasion, funds saved on weekly groceries and Starbucks and convenience factor of meals delivered to doorstep in a portable cooler.) Visit www.redcarpetcleanses.com for more information.

--Caitlin Monaghan

I joke about the Hollywood-ness of a cleanse (so "young Hollywood"), but as I round out day five of the IZO Cleanze, I have to admit that when it comes to health, I'm a fan of drastic measures. And the IZO is no walk in the park.

Here's the good: IZO makes it beyond easy. They deliver juices and teas each morning by 6 a.m. right outside your door, with an hourly schedule of when to drink each corresponding liquid meal.

I stuck mine on the front of the refrigerator (which, by the way, was empty to stave off temptation).

Unlike most cleanses where you only get juices, IZO sends four teas in addition to six juices and an almond milk drink. When it comes to cleansing, I say the more drinks the merrier. Having just six measley bottles in your refrigerator is depressing.